The work that feels productive

When I was writing my dissertation, I became obsessed. Even though the research was done, I got caught up in the writing. I read every sentence I wrote twenty times and edited it twenty times, with each pass getting a little smoother and a little easier to read. Every time I found a mistake, I felt triumphant, as if poring over the draft had been worth it. At the same time, I felt this constant urgency to hand in a first draft, even though no one had given me a clear deadline. I thought I was being rigorous and if I kept making it better, it would fly through without criticism.

I'd been tinkering around with it for months when one of my peers, who was also writing a dissertation, told me she'd handed in her first draft.

I was floored. Here I was, still polishing while she did the thing that counted. She got the draft into her advisor's hands.

Looking back, I don't think I was trying to perfect it as much as I was trying to postpone the moment someone else got to decide whether it was good enough.

Since then, I've noticed this pattern, especially with people who work for themselves. When they're about to take a real risk, when someone else is about to decide whether to hire them, invite them to the next round of interviews, or even book a consultation, they start getting busy with what feels comfortable.

A consultant I know kept working on her proposal, even though she'd promised it ten days earlier. She was convinced the other consultants had more experience than she did, so she kept making the proposal more beautiful to look at instead of sending it. Every week it sat on her laptop was another week the client never got the chance to hire her. An architect I know kept fiddling with her portfolio so that it would wow people, while potential clients were waiting for her reply.

I want to say: all these behaviors are normal. They're often our brain's way of trying to keep us safe from harm, the possibility of hearing no. The trouble is they don't look like self-protection. They look like being productive. We start to tell ourselves things like, "I don't think it's the right client for me" or "it's not really what I want." Our brains get us to avoid sending the proposal, replying to the inquiry, asking for the sale, or doing the thing that actually gets us paid.

I've noticed this pattern with women who've spent years becoming great at what they do. Even successful women, when they are about to do something that's out of their comfort zone, when they're about to reach a new level or do something different, start to ask whether their offer lives up to how much they're charging.

What's sitting on your laptop right now that won't make you another dollar until someone else sees it?