decision making
Sometimes there’s no clear right decision. None of the options are a definitive Yes.
There’s nothing wrong if you can’t get to a clean, clear decision. Expecting to have one can keep us from moving forward.
More important than making the “right” decision is living wholeheartedly in the decision you do make.
loneliness
Whenever I have felt alone in my loneliness, I have felt more lonely.
To feel lonely is to be human.
To feel lonely connects us to others.
when stress becomes a habit
There’s nothing wrong with stress. We all experience it. It’s a part of life. And yes, it feels bad.
The problem though, is that it can become a habit. We’re stressed so often, this state of being starts to feel normal.
Like any habit, something feels off when we’re not tending to it.
Our minds will create stress, in ways that are obvious and not so obvious, just to feel normal.
the itch i ignored
My favorite aunt Sako is downsizing her closet full of designer clothing she hasn't worn in a decade and is pushing a black, skintight Alaïa dress on me. It's more armor than dress. I feel itchy just looking at it.
Yea, yea, I'm saying. The fabric is nice, it's made really well. For the life of me, though, I can't imagine wearing it.
But she has a way, that Sako. If it's not this piece of clothing, it's the next. "That looks fabulous on you!" "Oh (with a gasp), look at that fit!" "You can wear that with a sneaker and make it casual!"
By the time I've left her place, I have bags full of clothes including a vintage Thierry Mugler blazer with pointed shoulders. It's so tight around the tiny waist the only way to wear it is open in front. I also get several pairs of trousers (Versace, Prada, Gucci) that I have to admit look pretty good on me except when I sit down, my circulation feels like it's cutting off.
As I leave her place though, I'm convinced I'm going to be looking mighty fine as I wear my new threads to the supermarket.
You probably know how this ends. Those clothes have sat on their hangers, just waiting to be worn.
It's not that Sako is so good at selling a fantasy (she is, though) or that I have a secret desire to be a fashionista (I do, though).
It's that I was putting what looked good on the outside above how I felt on the inside. I was ignoring the itchy, tight, circulation-constricting sensations so I could look fabulous and get some cool things for free.
All the while, I never actually wanted them.
So many things are like that. There's so much outside noise telling us what we should do, what suits us, what's good for us, even from well-meaning people who love us. Even when the signs are clear, you end up with a closet full of clothes you'll never wear.